For some reason my spam has been increasing lately. When I checked today morning, there were 56 messages in that junk folder. And that after I cleaned it yesterday evening. Because I cannot get myself to delete anything without at least reading through the subject lines, I am now going to inflict... err... share the choicest and the best among those with you, the exalted reader of my blog. Accompanied by my comments, of course.
1. :_ RND08:{zero-cost_bussiness_ops_information}Hartsell_-_Latoyia -- poor thing who sent this has a broken keyboard and is also acutely dyslexic and may also be a closet schizophrenic. Rightful place is in an asylum with 24/7 care and a padded cell.
2. Keeping We1ght Off -- Listen sicko, I've known people who tried to keep weight off. I've seen them do acupunture, that fleecing called HerbaLife, some weird weight reduction pills from an upmarket clinic in Bjr Hills and also the whole massage, sauna, diet routine in those 'beauty parlours' which guarantee weight loss of 5 kilos in 10 days. It never happens. Unless you're talking about surgery to take all the fat off, just tell me WHY the F would I want to open your mail and see what else you have to offer?
3. Do you know beans about coffee -- now this one was nice. Unique. A pure gem. Don't think I got this ever before. Made me stop and look at it in amazement. It might even be the work of a genius. I mean, to think that somebody sat there and thought and thought about what would be so unusual and out of the blue that it would snag my attention when I'm going through my spam! It's such a nice thought. I paused in my rant and smiled.
4. CIAL1S & LEVITRA starts W0RK1NG up to twice as fast as VIAG~RA & last up to 24... -- Notice the way it trails off after 24. 24 what? Minutes? Hours? Days? Omigod?! Heeeelllppppppp...
5. WANT^ A_ VE-RY BIG C,O-C'K ^' plskbaefjnpvd -- Apologies to the people out there who have trouble seeing the word c**k, even when punctuated with commas and hyphens and apostrophes to completely distort it and make it slip though the filters I have set up, but I needed to comment on this. I was just wondering that if I took these messages to heart and if they were true, by now I'd have a 50 feet long pe... You get the point.
6. FW : do you feel like cutting your pen1s off? -- Oh My GOD!!! I swear I didn't make this up. It was there among the other almost innocent junk. I'll even forward it to anyone who wants proof. I'm still not over this...
7. Get an SANY0 C0L0R Cell PH0NE with N0 CREDlT Check, FREE! -- sigh. I bet this fellow is related to the hundreds of Nigerian dictators who lose their kingdoms and manage to slip away with billions of dollars all wanting to deposit them in my account and then I get half just because I helped him get the money out of there.
8. Aran, Looking for love, not age reply -- How nice. He even wrote to me personally. Too bad he ended up in my junk mail folder anyway. Stupid person! If I was looking for love, do you think I'd be spending this time in front of the 'puter? And excuse me, looking for love, not age? Why not age? Why exactly do you think I am not looking for age? Do you think I want some 90 year old doddering walking stick dependent? Do you think I'm not good enough or nice enough or slim enough or tall enough or fair enough for all of those YOUNG morons who write to the personals for someone who fitted the description of Ms. Rai?
9. bazooka pen1s pi11 -- yes, I know this is getting a definite A-rated slant but well, I couldn't pass this up. It's such a perfect example of two words which should not be used in the same sentence. (The first two, if anyone is wondering).
10. C0MPLlMENTARY Restaurant GlFT Card enclosed for *****, NO COST -- Confession time. I once clicked on this and it led me through five pages of filling up forms before I realised its just something stupid and closed those windows. Warning you about this is my good deed for the day.
So ladies and gentlemen, there they were, the ten noteworthy junk emails I got today. Hope you had fun with 'em; this was Aran, reporting for the junk email section of Weird and Whacky and I'll return you to our main desk in the studio now. Have a good day and don't forget to smile. :o)