How to be a Social Worker

Nah, I don't mean the social worker who works for the disadvantaged, by providing psychological counselling, guidance, and/or assistance. Here I mean - a worker, any worker, who is sociable.

The need for being sociable is very necessary in today's competitive world. This fact has been perfectly thrown in our faces by every Miss Friendly (or somesuch) Award in all of the beauty pageants, and even documented for posterity in the very forgettable Sandra-Bullock-y movie, Miss Congeniality. (Apologies to purist movie lovers for inducing ghastly images of an un-manicured, un-pedicured, un-anycured Sandra Bullock.) Being sociable is one of the ways to be popular, get ahead, beat all those rodents in the rat race and scurry over the finish-line first. Therefore, here is my public service self-help manual for all you rats out there. (It's not much of a manual though, but let's not worry about that.) (By now you know why I do all these selfless acts of service, so I will not mention all of it again. You don't? Okay, for the last time - I have a kind heart. I care. Therefore, I am. Descartes, do a roll over in grave.)(Plus I've recently joined work and I thought I should share my new gyaan with the general blog-reading world.)

So, Manual Starts -- HERE!

Things to do:

1. Smile. This is the single most effective way to make you more popular. As seen in a research on Chimpanzees in a zoo, smiling makes a Chimpanzee more likable to other Chimpanzees. Sometimes it can make a Chimpanzee attack the smiling Chimpanzee because Chimpanzees as such are unpredictable creatures and they probably are a bit dumb too so they mistake the smile for a snarl. I guess a smiling Chimpanzee doesn't look much different from a snarling Chimpanzee, so I don't blame them much for the mistake. Please note: Before trying a smile on your co-workers, please practice it in front of a mirror and make sure it does not resemble a snarl.

2. Compliment. A compliment will win you many friends. A compliment can be anything good which you have noticed in the person. For example, "Ooooh Ravi, you have such a finely shaped third toe on your left foot." That is a compliment. (Please do not use that compliment because it was originally written by me and is under copyright.) For many people, complimenting is not easy. Knowing what to compliment is indeed a difficult decision to make, so let me just give you some common ones which will make this skill very easy to use. Compliment:--Hairstyle / texture of hair / colour of hair / hair clips, bands, etc. (This compliment is especially popular with ladies.)--Eyes / smile / length of eyelashes / features of face. (Please take care to note that lips are not a very good thing to compliment until after you get to know the person a bit... er... intimately.)--Figure. Thin people are easy. They can have figures 'like models'. Fat (or more politically correct, obese) people can have 'wonderfully rounded' figures, or 'cutely, roly-poly' figures.--Dress. Ironed / colour of dress suits complexion / unique or pleasant use of accessories, etc.--Personality. (Personality here is used differently from the way it is used by those over-awed gym fanatics. "Arey gym ko jaake kya personality bana liya baap!" Yuck.) Make your own compliments here. Please note: Here, I am motivating you, giving your creative abilities the true chance that they deserve. (Actually I am sick of this now.)(Probably you are too, but as Shahrukh Baazigar Khan said, "Kuchh jeetne ke liye kuchh haarna bhi padta hai. Aur haarke jeetne waale ko Baazigar kehte hain." :p )

3. The Art of Pop-Up. This, my dear socially-challenged and needy friends, is THE thing to do in an office which has cubicles. A step-by-step explanation is as follows:

• a. Get up from chair.
• b. Suddenly pop your head a bit above the partition, just enough to peep into the cubicle adjacent to yours. Only the eyes should be visible next door.
• c. Smile. Yes, they can't see your lips, but you do know that a smile should reach the eyes, right?Result: Either the person in the next cubicle will be scared out of his wits everytime you do it until he is accustomed to it; or he will overturn his coffee cup, splashing coffee all over his desk - which is essentially the same thing. Both of these things provide an opportunity to laugh hysterically. Hysterical laughter = Instant bonding. And bonding = popularity. Try it.

...to be continued. (Or not.)

(Do you think I'm losing it yet? :p )