The Needle's Stuck

I ate today. I ate a lot today. I shouldn't have eaten a lot today. I shouldn't eat a lot any day. I totally hate people who are obsessed about food intake / weight. All that taken together, I want to change. I want to change from being obsessed about my weight and I want to change my weight. The duality in that sentence is making me go crazy. I am turning schizo about it.

I swear my thighs have grown since yesterday. Not that I measure them or anything (that would be madness), but they just look ENORMOUS. I'm scared just looking at them. It doesn't help that the dumb scale moved just one kilo down over the past two weeks. I mean I'm living on scraps and walking and killing myself and the damn thing doesn't even have the decency to move. The fat is just too stubborn. It is not budging.

This and the fact that I was home all day today made me pig out totally. Binge. At least I didn't eat anything sweet. That would have have destroyed me. Destroyed the diet I mean. I couldn't have gone back to denying everything all the time. Well, I don't really, but that's how it feels. I feel like I haven't eaten anything tasty for the last century or something. I'm down to thinking what something good tastes like. Today I was fantasizing about eating dal chawal. Imagine that! I realized that craving for dal chawal was getting really pathetic. So I made a decision. My sanity was a lot more important than my weight. Therefore, I succumbed to the madness. I mixed an enormous amount of rice and dal and pigged out.

Somebody help me.